A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
With the Death Star destroyed, Darth Vader finds himself in a predicament. There’s continued pressure from the Emperor to track down the young rebel fighter, Luke Skywalker.
Unfortunately, Darth Vader’s most recent attempts to track down Skywalker and turn him to the dark side have come up short. Using the force has been his only way of reaching out to the young rebel.
With a 3pm hologram call scheduled for tomorrow with the Emperor, Vader must think fast and find a new way to make contact with Skywalker…
SPOILER ALERTIf you are one of the 27 people on this earth that have not seen the original Star Wars trilogy (Episodes IV, V, VI) then be warned that the rest of this article contains SPOILERS. I would probably guess that if you’re reading this and you haven’t seen the original trilogy at this point, you probably have been living in a bunker the last 40 years or you have no desire to watch it… and you probably know the spoiler that I’ll be mentioning. That being said, read on.
Darth Vader begins his research by talking to the captains of the Star Destroyers…
Darth Vader: Captain, my patience is wearing thin… I need to find the young rebel, Skywalker, and bring him to the Emperor.
Captain: Yes, of course, Lord Vader… have you tried calling him?
Darth Vader: Captain, please… Nobody actually picks up the phone and calls someone anymore. I sent him a text, but it failed to send. I’m not sure if it’s the asteroid field, or if he’s blocked my number.
After his hologram call with the captains, which got him no further than he was before, Vader is approached by Admiral Piett.
Admiral Piett: Lord Vader?
Darth Vader: Yes, Admiral?
Admiral Piett: I was wondering… Do you happen to have Skywalker’s email?
Darth Vader: Yes, I believe I do. Why?
Admiral Piett: I’ve been doing some reading about email marketing. I may have an idea…
Darth Vader: Sounds like a thrilling topic, Admiral… but I don’t have time right now. Put it in a PowerPoint — no more than ten slides. Print it, and have it on my desk first thing tomorrow morning.
Admiral Piett: Yes, Lord Vader.
Darth Vader starts to walk away.
Admiral Piett: I could also just email it… save paper?
Darth Vader: No. Printed. On my desk by 8am.
Admiral Piett: Yes, of course, Lord Vader.
The next day Darth Vader reads through the powerpoint on email marketing, given to him by Admiral Piett, and prepares for his discussion with the Emperor. The hologram call starts precisely at 3pm.
Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my Master?
Emperor: Let’s get right to the point… What are we doing about the young rebel, Skywalker? Have you contacted him yet?
Darth Vader: No, not exactly… but I have a plan. It’s email marketing. Well, they call it nurture marketing.
Emperor: Nurture? It sounds weak.
Darth Vader: He’s just a boy.
Emperor: Yes, but the force is strong with him. He could destroy us. We’ll go over your plan tomorrow when I arrive.
The next day, the Emperor arrives and is greeted by Darth Vader… and over 1,000 Star Destroyer employees and Storm Troopers.
Darth Vader: Everyone quiet. Stand up straight. The Emperor is about to exit.
Emperor: I have arrived! (pause) Rise, my friend… It can’t be easy kneeling in that suit. You’ve got a lot going on there.
Darth Vader: Yes, of course, My Master.
Emperor: Anyway, let’s walk.
Darth Vader: The Death Star will be completed on schedule.
Emperor: You’ve done well, Lord Vader. Now, tell me about this nurture marketing.
Darth Vader: Admiral Piett has set me up with ClickDimensions, which integrates directly with our CRM. I can set up a campaign and get it running by tomorrow afternoon.
Emperor: Interesting… CRM? I don’t know what that is, but that’s why I have you. Let’s go to my office and you can tell me more about this Click Destroyer.
Darth Vader: As you wish. (pause) By the way, it’s ClickDimensions.
Emperor: Yes, of course, Lord Vader… always a stickler for the details.
The Emperor and Darth Vader continue on their way to the Emperor’s corner office with a view of the galaxy, where they will be able to talk in private.
Emperor: Where do we start Lord Vader? How do we properly nurture the young rebel and ensure that he joins the Dark Side?
Darth Vader: My plan is to start with a drip marketing campaign. All that means is that we set up a series of emails that will gradually introduce him to the Dark Side. Our follow up communication is based on how he responds or doesn’t respond to our initial emails. We can start simple and slowly expand from there.
Emperor: Not too slowly my friend. We must reach skywalker as soon as possible… he must not become a Jedi. What would be your initial messaging?
Darth Vader: We need to catch his attention… so I was thinking one of these subject lines:
“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side”
Or, we add a personal touch…
“Luke, you could be our most powerful ally”
Emperor: Yeesss, he would be a great asset? Can it be done? Then what is next? What if he doesn’t respond or interact with that email? Do we send another?
Darth Vader: If he doesn’t respond, I was thinking another email two days later… “Obi-Wan never told you… I am your father.”
Darth Vader: Too soon?
Emperor: Well, I was just wondering if you felt comfortable sharing that information over email…
Darth Vader: Yes, good point, My Master. Maybe that would be better told in person… so I can see his reaction and respond. (pause) My second option was “Join us or die.” Thoughts?
Emperor: Yes, my friend… now you’re thinking like a Sith. I want this in place tomorrow afternoon. I’ll expect an update on the Death Star and this drip marketing campaign when I return next week.
The Emperor returns the next week, expecting only good news regarding the construction of the new Death Star and the drip marketing campaign that Darth Vader has been working on.
Emperor: The Death Star is coming along nicely. Did we get a response from Young Skywalker with our nurture marketing campaign?
Darth Vader: Yes, My Master, but not what we had expected.
Emperor: How did Young Skywalker respond?
Darth Vader: “Unsubscribe”
There is silence, except for the heavy breathing of Darth Vader. The Emperor keeps his eyes locked on the Death Star, trying to hold back his rage.